Transgression

If my lord would forgive me this one last transgression, I would be eternally grateful.
I watched my lord as he sent off some guests-the Volstovic General whose horse we had borrowed and the little boy I nearly killed at the welcoming dinner after he tried to touch my lord. The Emperor's robes, which so defined his older brother, dwarfed him and looked very strange, especially after travelling so long with him wearing peasant woman's garb.
The terrible thing is those clothes suited my lord better than even the plain, black robes he wore this morning.
I want to say that it's only natural after travelling so long with my lord under the guise of a woman and having to treat him as my wife that I have some trouble readjusting to my lord as, well, my lord and emperor, the man I swore my life to. However, to say that would be to lie. It was well before our exile that I began to see my lord in this manner, long before necessity bade him dress and act as my wife, at a time when he was a prince. It is only now, after so long abandoning the restrictions I gave myself, after so long treating him as my wife, now that we are safe in the palace once again, that I am struggling.
If my lord would forgive me this one last transgression… I would do this once, just once. Just once, but never. Never. I could never insult my lord in such a manner.
But there he was, smiling gently, his arm out, beckoning me, welcoming me to his side, to the place I loved. I closed the door and went over to kneel at Ma-my lord's side.
"Something is bothering you, Kouje, my friend" he said simply.
"It is nothing to occupy my lord's time" I said
"Please, Kouje, we're alone. Please, call me Mamoru" he begged.
"That would… be too much" If only he knew. If he knew my secret heart, he would not permit me to sit so close. He would not lay his had so gently on my shoulder or lean so near. If only he knew.
"It would not be anything unearned" he said. "Please, Kouje, tell me what has been weighing so heavily on your mind in such happy times."
"It then would lay on your mind." I said, honoring his request to revert to the more common dialect we employed on our journey, while assuaging my guilt by retaining a humble tone. "There isn't a reason to worry you so."
He leaned forward then, placing his other hand on my shoulder. Close, so close. I could not let myself any closer. "Kouje, please. I do not like it when you worry. I would gladly share the burden if it would lighten yours. Please."
He would share my burden. He would share my place among the demons of the underworld if given the choice. He would share my pain, my fate, as I would his.
We have become too close. His face was mere inches from my own, causing my stomach to jump and twist pleasantly. However, that was one pleasure I could never indulge. Too close. I could not insult my lord in such a way.
But to keep silent when my lord has asked multiple times, is that not also an insult, not to his sovereignty, but to his friendship? Is it not the same as saying that I do not trust him?
I lowered my head only to have my lord-Mamoru-raise it with his finger tips, gently, gently, as if he were afraid I would break.
"Kouje" he whispered.
It was too much: his eyes boring into mine, his gentle touches, his breath whispering across my lips. It was all too much, everything he did: the sweet smile when he makes eye contact from me, his tendency to touch my hand to draw strength, everything. It was all too much. I leaned forward, capturing Mamoru's lips with my own, causing him to gasp in surprise. Suddenly, his hands were in my hair and he was kissing me back, all traces of the earlier gentleness gone.
Too far. Too close. Too raw. Too much.
I pulled back, stopping Mamoru with some difficulty.
"Kouje?" His eyes held all the pain in the world. I wanted to let him know I hadn't rejected him, that we just couldn't do that, but the words caught in my throat. I ruined it, ruined everything, with one careless move.  "Kouje, look at me" I did with some measure of fear and longing. "You-you-" he was speechless. I had ruined everything.
I bowed, my head very nearly touching the ground. "If my lord would forgive me this one last transgression-" was all I managed to say before he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me out of my bow.
Suddenly, I found myself on the floor with him straddling me, eyes dark. "There is nothing to forgive" he said, voice rough, "Because I have done the same, and thus it is no transgression, Kouje" He leaned closer, pinning me to the ground. "I had been trying to find a way to tell you"
"We cannot- do-you're the-"
"Yes, and as the emperor, I cannot be challenged in my choice of lovers, can I?" How he could talk so well in this moment, I had no idea.
"But, what about heirs?" I asked, attempting suavity myself.
"We will cross that river when we get to it"
So close. So much. His weight on my lap and arms was oddly comforting and unnerving all at once.
Then he kissed me and I decided that we would only stop if he chose to. Until then, I would be happy as we were, I, the loyal servant, pinned under my lord Mamoru's beautiful body. This is how it would be.